Literally Missing From The Cranium

An unsolicited text message from somewhere :

"Staring at Nona Garcia's film noir coated paintings (west gallery) is like visiting G. Richter's 'Betty', portraits on 'Go big time' size while gigantum catastrophic scene & vast blue sky on miniatures. Familiar simulacrum retrofits strangely formats.Strangely familiar - mimicry vis a vis monumentality."

I haven't been to Nona's show so it made this all the more alien to me....

Maybe the texter meant :

1) Nona's photorealist style is as impeccable as Richter

2) That while having the talent for such ability, literally anything can be painted with as much pathos as a strand of hair backlit by a photographic solar flare

3) Such paintings are really a total display of skill, much more if it's done large scale, hence, the greater the drama, the pathos....

4) Hence, there's more to be raked in.....

5) or it's all just chuvaness.....

Sheessshh......that's why I equate art criticism even the seemingly harmless art review as an assassin's job - nobody wants to do it but someone has to do it for the ff reasons :

1) so no one would think that he/she is an utter genius.

2) so the market would know what kind of art to buy

3) so everyone would know what the hell he/she is doing with their own lives, like is it really worth it at all or not at all (but still everything that one reads should not be taken as gravely nor as lightly)

4) so your mom and dad would see that all your loafing around means something ....

But even if I saw the said exhibit, I still would be scratching my head saying d...uh?!...and then forget all about it....

Everyone's prodding me to go write about this and that show, or seriously consider writing art reviews but I hate theory as hell. Sure I've read some of it, some I slept through and just forced myself to read them, even just the text, even reading them out loud attempting to imbibe comprehension...in the end, they just mask with fluttery jargon what is already obvious....art is what you make of it, either through ass lickin or through faux naif heroics...especially now when metaphors can just mean whatever....